right or wrong, idk

 This feeling I'm feeling... it feels so wrong yet so great.

All I'm praying for... it's to be on the path that is meant for me and my happiness.

most expensive paper ever

Officially a graduate.

It's been some time since I last update all thanks to work. Sooooo many things have happened and I wish I had blogged more so that when I'm old and bored, I can read them all and have a good laugh. But the reality is, right now I'm drowning with work and trying to find that perfect work life balance which I can't seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Many will know by now that I took a much longer time to graduate than a normal person and while I am embarrassed to share it because really, I know it's all my fault... but right now, I felt things happened because it's all God's plans. 

Many things have happened and I'm in a much healthier position now especially emotionally and mentally. Thanks to the most expensive paper I have ever spent in my entire life, I am also now financially comfortable alhamdulillah 🤲🏼 

& yes, it is a paper. My certificate is just a normal paper. It doesn't even feel expensive but it costs a BOMB to attain it 🥲

I went through home-based learning due to Covid-19 which honestly helped me in getting pretty decent grades when all I was aiming for initially is to graduate with a Pass degree.

Honestly I gave up on the thoughts of donning the graduation regalia and having a graduation ceremony.

God truly loves me because things just fell into place... well kinda, I was hoping a massive graduation ceremony like pre-pandemic but let's be real we will never be able to go back to pre-pandemic anytime soon, at least not in the next 2 to 3 years.

Everyone was seated far apart and honestly, I love social distancing because unless I know you, I don't wanna be around people I don't really know 🥲

Mr Wong, the man who nagged at me so much but hey I aced your mod 🖤

& it sucks that lecturers are supposedly not alloweed to take photos with their students so he took of his robe and sneaked out to take this photo with me... oh and he's now known as Dr Wong.

I'm glad I pulled through till I graduated because... my dad couldn't stop taking photos of me sashaying around the whole campus in my graduation robe.

So glad to have made you guys proud ❤️

To many more moments where you guys will be proud of me.

& this was how my face looked like beneath the mask.

Alhamdulillah for everything ❤️

May You continue to bless me despite not being your best servant.

And thank You for always blessing me with this love that I have no right words to describe.

trophy wife

Adulting.

I didn't know it is THIS complicated. 

While I enjoy every bit of it now, I know my inner self is struggling slowly. 

My daily interactions with sons and daughters of millionaire and billionaires are slowly taking a toll on myself. Like how do I ensure when I'm old, I wouldn't be a burden to others especially financially? How do I ensure that people around me wouldn't fight for my wealth? How do I ensure I have enough to support myself when I'm no longer able to work? 

Well the good thing is I have learnt how to make money as a side hustle all thanks to my uni days which will probably see me through till I'm old. Unless I can think of a better, higher paying one, then I guess I know what I will be doing after I retire just to keep myself occupied.

Now I truly understand why some girls just settle to be a trophy wife 🥲

twenty seven

 Officially, 27.

This year, I haven't been blogging much because I've been super lazy and well... I have been reflecting on life a lot. Just read that as, pure laziness please. I'm coming out with so many excuses. But tbh, it's been crazy trying to juggle between work, tuition and life beyond all those.

We have all been so busy and it's crazy how we used to see and text each other every single day and now, we're all so busy being adults and got so little time for ourselves even.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE WARN ME ABOUT HOW TIRING IT IS ADULTING CAN BE?!

Few weeks ago, me and my uni girls met each other and had a short but fulfilling meet up. Just a good catch up session and stuffing ourselves with our favourite food (and then scolding ourselves for being such pigs) as usual. They've seen me at my worst and I hope I don't have to go through that crazy period ever again in this lifetime.

I actually started this post on my birthday and now I am almost a month plus later, I finally squeezed in some time to finish typing this post. Hence, the weird transition oops 🙊 I've just been CRAZY busy with work. But all in all, I'm still thankful life's been good on me financially. People are losing their jobs in this pandemic so I'm immensely thankful God has blessed me again and again during these hard times.

As a birthday gift from me to me, I bought a new MacBook.

(well, the old one has been giving me problems for the longest time.)

I'll give a longer update soon.

Blogging definitely takes my mind off all my crazy thoughts and it feels great to breathe like the old times again.

hello 2021

Been months since I last updated.

Things have been great so far. All I can say... I've been approaching each day with a better mindset, a better self now.

 إن شاء الله‎

2021 will be a better year than the years before.

praises to Allah

 Alhamdulillah for everything 🤍

2020 has been quite an eventful year for everyone. Most people hate it so much, but I thank God for this year because it has been a life-changing year for me. He has been blessing me so much this year and I can never thank Him enough for that. 

If you've been reading this blog and praying for me, I thank you too and I pray you're blessed by Him too. 

And thank you Allah for blessing me and my loved ones. ❤️

keep holding on

Sometimes I ask myself...

Why does my heart still hold on to people who do not care about you?

Why am I so strong yet so weak at the same time?

Recently I kept seeing people from my past in my dreams. Secondary school friends that I drifted away from, JC friends I used to be so close with, uni friends I used to hang out with, Daya and her family and her friends who then became my friends too, S' mum and many more.

Maybe I'm missing them a little more than usual lately. Life's truly fragile, you see.

Tbh, I am at fault for ending most of these relationships. I miss them. Very much do. But to pluck up the courage to ask for a relationship again from them, at this point of time, I do not have the energy to do so. 

I do not blame anyone at all for cutting ties with me. So now, I only keep them close in my prayers because my heart still holds them close to me... I mean, they are the reason I am where I am today. I know because of my mental state, I'm not easy to deal with. So it is only fair for them to leave before they lose themselves. 

It's been a crazy journey. I hope they are all doing well in life.

Dear Self, keep holding on 🤍

the universe vs us

Right now, I'm feeling a little more calm than usual, but still worried at the same time. And thinking about the future makes me feel so uneasy and anxious so I've been trying my best not to get too crazy in my own thoughts.

Took time to meet my SENSE girls and it makes me so happy to see all of them in a good place right now. Azreena's pregnant with her first kid, Aisah's on her second child now... these girls are busy producing babies for the future labour market HAHAHA Zarifah is busy being a radiologist at a private hospital while being the most supportive girlfriend to a super shy boy! 

I also finally got my lazy self to Gardens By The Bay. Ok this place is really special. Two guys ever asked me to be his girlfriend here. One, a fail. The other, a success HAHAHA so this place is kinda special. Future boy, please take note 😂

I gotta thank Chuping and Alvin for that trip tho. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't making an effort to explore Singapore like a tourist!

And this is another bunch I've been busy spending time with!

For the longest time, I have been wanting to kayak, hike, rock climbing etc. with friends. You know those fun activities we ever did during secondary school... yeah I wanna do them! So finally, I managed to drag this bunch to kayak together.

Last Wednesday we made our way to Macritchie to kayak but the weather was just not on our side. We only managed to kayak for 5 minutes and then the lightning alert came on. So we did what we usually do. Eat and slack our day away~

Since we could not get a refund, they told us to come back within 30 days and gosh, it was a struggle for us four! It was so hard to find a date that will be okay for all of us because of our periods! But we decided to take a gamble and try it again today!

We didn't kayak much... we were pretty much just lying on the kayak and laughing at each other.

Really had the best of times with this bunch!

While the universe is going against us doing anything healthy, I hope we will grow old together and still be laughing as much as we are now.

The universe vs Us 🤍

closer to three o

Turned 26 today.

This year is truly a different year for me. If you ask the younger me, she's probably still out right now and not in bed blogging yet. Covid-19 has made me become way too comfortable being at home to the point that I don't see a reason for being out and spending my day away on my own birthday. Or maybe I'm getting closer to the three-o now, so my body is just easily tired and gaining weight just by breathing sigh

Leading up to the days to my birthday, many things happened. So recently we had elections. I'm finally old enough to vote and boyyyy I've never been more involved than ever for elections. My dad and I have always been into politics. We bond through political discussions like which policies we agree and disagree etc.

I was pretty nervous to vote... like am I really making the right decision? Do I vote for a change when the government has been taking care of us well? But isn't it the government's job to ensure citizens are well taken care of? Oh boy, I'll be in this dilemma every 5 years from now on...

And this was staring at me while I was about to make my vote... how could I not be more nervous than ever?

Yesterday we had a mini gathering to celebrate my birthday as well... I was honestly still feeling tired from exams and work. I forgot how much socialising could drain my energy. It all came back yesterday.

Luckily before I made my way out to celebrate my birthday, I bumped into Irham and the corridor. I didn't know why I thought he's going to my neighbour's place. It didn't even occur to me he was there to help Izzati to deliver cheesecake for me. 😂

I really love their New York Cheesecake 🤍

And Cik Ita gave me new bedsheets... because I've been obsessed with my revamped room.

It's still under progress... if anyone's thinking of getting me a present, I would love a wardrobe and a study table. Thank you very much 😂

Aisah also sent a whole Korean birthday meal for your girl... she's been a gem la ❤️

I wanted to do a lot more on my birthday but I guess this year I'm learning to take things slow and to truly enjoy every passing moment. I put working and earning money as a priority and then, went on to get shoes and new undergarments for myself. It's been a simple retail therapy session today.

Dear Self,

You've been too hard on yourself. Trying to wait and search for answers from people who are not willing to give you answers. You've gained and lost many friends in this journey called life. May you find more strength in battling every loss. May you find more love in time to come... People kept asking you about marriage and settling down. But they don't understand that this is God's plan, not yours. In whatever you do, have faith and trust in God's plans.

Love, yourself. 

May life brings about more happiness for all of us ❤️

love and blessings from God

Why does loving hurt?

Why do people make promises only to be breaking them later?

Why do goodbyes hurt?

Why do people love to leave things hanging?

Sometimes I wish you would tell me the reason why you left.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm worthy of love because people I love have left me broken again and again.

Indeed, to love and to be loved is a blessing from God.

cov-eid mubarak

Never in a million years would the whole world ever expected this year's fasting month and raya to be spent while everyone's stuck at home.

Zoom meetings back to back with my family members 🤍

Usually, I would be spending my first day of raya visiting 15 houses and still have some afternoon naps in between after feasting on all the rendang and sayur lodeh.

This year, all I did was eating and meeting people through Zoom. And I'm already tired. How did I survive visiting and socialising all these years? This year's raya is definitely one for the history books... raya while battling a pandemic.

Definitely, not a social butterfly anymore.

lockdown

COVID-19

So the whole world is now on lockdown because of this new deadly virus and I never thought this day would come where everyone is forced to just stay at home. Even Singapore is on lockdown now. Well, the government calls is Circuit Breaker because lockdown sounds too harsh. (But the laws that have been implemented are pretty much, LOCKDOWN.)

This means I couldn't tutor anymore sadly so I've been pretty much stuck at home while being broke and supposedly, to study for exams. Oh, and exams are postponed till July. Gosh can't believe the last time I updated this space I couldn't think of what to update but here we are... so many things have happened over that short period of time. 

Who would've thought we will one day be forced to stay at home, and to work from home... oh and students doing home-based learning? Everyone is just stuck at home and if you go out for fun, you'll be fined and might even be charged for it. 

So to make my lockdown more interesting... I have made plans. 

My plans for this lockdown:

• Painting my room
• Moving my whole study area to my bedroom
• Studying for exams

This lockdown has definitely opened my eyes. We are all fighting a war right now. A war against the smallest thing ever. So please try to stay at home as much as possible. I know it's challenging for all of us mentally. Other introverts may find it easy for them. But for me, it's been both easy and well, a struggle too. I find joy when I look out the window and see life out there. But now, it's way too quiet. I'm still trying to adapt to the changes because things are getting serious.

Today alone, the government reported another death and 386 positive cases. For a small country like Singapore, that's just CRAZY. I'm doing my part to stay at home for as much as possible, so I hope others will do so too. 

Virus. Economies crashing. We're really living in the end of times.

Dear God,

Please protect me and my loved ones. Please grant all of us a place in your heavens.

Love, me.

still alive, but barely breathing

Am I still alive?

Designer eye bags, pimples popping up, weight gaining exponentially.

Well, you can say...

I'm still alive but barely breathing.

march, already?

It's almost March now, can you believe it? 😱

I've been really busy with school and work. This year I also had to force myself to find time for my friends and family because I got myself a little too busy than I should. But all's good. I have been forcing myself to study more than ever. Let's hope this year will be a better year for me as a student.

On another note, there's a lot of catching up to do on this space. So where do we start?

Syakir is in NS now.

Those who've been following me on social media would have seen this boy grew up. This boy is now in NS and has the most number of Malay friends he has ever had in his life. Finally this boy is in touch with his Malay roots. Been waiting for this day for the longest time ever HAHA

Aisah got a kid.

Well she gave birth last year. But I finally got a photo of her son with me. So far he's been a nice kid in my arms so I think we can be good together. 

Honestly part of me wants to have a kid now but let's be real, can I afford it at this point of time? And it sucks when people kept telling me that I'm too choosy when it comes to guys. After all the guys I've known, tell me how not to be wary and lowkey traumatised by them. So just shush, if you got nothing nice to say.

Azreena's married!

For the longest time, I knew these two lovebirds have been wanting to get married with each other. I'm happy they finally did! Hoping for the happiest marriage for the both of them! 

Exams will be in a few months' time.

I'm feeling all kinds of anxious 🥴

you

Do I miss you?

Or, do I just miss those amazing moments with you? 

Could it be I miss being in love with someone?

Sigh.

2020 new year new decade

A new year.

A new decade.

Tbh, I'm still kinda the same. Not sure if being the same me is a good thing, but at least I didn't change for the worst, right? So that's a good thing, right? 🥴

I laughed and cried a lot in 2019. Last year was both a happy and sad year for me but I'm somehow thankful things happened in such a way because I've learnt things I never knew I needed to go through to learn from them.

Other than the breakup with S, many happy things happen. Aisah got pregnant and gave birth safely alhamdulillah, I started listening to Okletsgo and got closer to my cousin thanks to their crazy podcasts, I got to know more about S and his whole family including his amazing mum which was life-changing for me. Things didn't work out for us, but his short presence in my life changed the way I looked at life as a whole and people have been telling me that I became even more mature in the way I think and carry myself than I did before. (Trust me this lame ass girl can be quite critical in her thinking but she just somehow sound dumb most of the time.)

Few days before the end of the year, Chups planned a short trip to JB. He and Weikang are such sweethearts. They knew I was crying and struggling so much but I didn't really want the world to know. They knew I kept putting on a strong front when I'm really weak. So they planned outings and meetups to cheer myself to continue having the will to live and to keep myself mentally okay somehow. 

I started the year with this bunch, I'm glad they're still here by my side.

Thankfully, they're not the only ones by my side. I mean, I wouldn't wanna drain their energy trying to layan this girl's crazy emotions. 

Qi, Veda and Weed knew my supposedly anniversary date was on New Years' Eve so they knew I couldn't be left alone in my thoughts. So Veda and Weed stayed with me that night and we laughed until we couldn't anymore. Qi couldn't join us because she was in China for a family holiday but we FaceTime together with her family.

We counted the number of years we've been friends and well, who knew we would be THIS tight after all these years. Half a decade ago, Weed straight away hugged me when she knew I was crazy over Jay Park. From then on, we got closer than ever. 

People have been asking me what are my future plans. Well, I rather keep them close to me as much as possible. But do keep me in your prayers.

Pray for a healthier me.

Pray for a happier me.

Pray for a richer me. 😂

Pray for an amazing future for me. ✨

strength

The only thing that's stopping me now is the thought of how affected my loved ones will be if I ever do it.

God, give me strength.

I'm tired.

fine

I say I'm fine, but am I really okay?

I wish you still care about me. 

we're over

We are over.

"If Happy Ever Afters did exist, I would still be holding you."

Been 6 days of crying my heart out for you and I don't know when will I stop crying for you but if that makes the person I love happier, then I guess I will slowly learn to accept it even if it means I'm the one bleeding so much now. 

Will I still believe in love after this? I hope so.

Will I still be able to love someone like how I feel for you now, S? I don't know but I hope so.

I really hope and pray you're happier from now on.

i hope you're okay

I had a class just now and I saw something that got me 😨🥴

Imagine a girl wearing shorts, the kind that you can see her butt cheeks as well. So she bended forward to reach over a piece of paper from the lecturer. She was directly in front of me and I was facing the front. And from the level I was sitting, the first thing I saw when I looked up... her butt. And I was genuinely worried for her. Because I could see marks and bruises. Like caning marks and really huge dark purple bruises.

I then told Hani, a friend of mine that I got closer over the past few months. She was just as shocked as I am. 

So I asked, "Do you think we should ask if she's okay?" 

And the next thing she said was, "No la, I think she got caned by her parents."

I just laughed because at this age, DOES CANING EVEN WORK?!

Then it hits me. 

She could be into BDSM shit. Something I still can't relate, like how do people feel aroused by pain. I'm the kind who cries like a baby when it comes to even the slightest pain you can ever think of.

To the girl in class who's hopefully into BDSM shit,

I hope you're really okay.

If you're not into BDSM and you're really hurt,

please don't be afraid and seek help.